Drown
by Where-You-Want-To-Be
Summary: Derek chose Addison instead of Meredith and she is still trying to get over him, but how can she? He is everywhere, and so is his perfect wife. What happens when Mark Sloan comes into the picture? MerMark, Addek, MerDer, Mcstizzie more to be decided.
1. History Can't Undo Itself

Drown

**Derek decided to choose Addison instead of Meredith and she is still trying to get over him, but how can she? He is everywhere, and so is his perfect wife, with her perfect surgeries and her perfect red hair. She just needs something…someone to help her take away the pain. Who else could come along but Mark Sloan? Will he actually fall for her? Toss betrayal, best friends, sex, baking and surgeries and you've got a Greys anatomy Fanfic. MerMark, Addek, MerDer, Mcstizzie, other pairings yet to be decided.**

**Hope you enjoy **

Chapter one: History can't undo itself

The world was a blur, one huge blur. She didn't want to click back into reality, it was just drowning her. She was a doctor, doctors are meant to heal, but there's one thing they can't heal and that's a broken heart. Meredith wasn't stupid, she was actually quite bright. All these common facts that she knew were irrelevant as so as she got into a relationship with non other than Derek Shepherd. She stared into space; his wavy black locks were consuming her thoughts…as usual. She couldn't wipe the feel of his touch from her skin, the way his fingers used to move along the small of her back. His gentle kiss…it was a distant memory. She missed it, she missed lying next to him at night, she missed his scent when she rose in the morning and most of all she missed having Derek, her Derek. Meredith was never a relationship person...and the way she was feeling right now, was the key reason why. That feeling, that feeling that she just couldn't shake off her back weighed down her heavy heart. It made everything run slower, the pain was consuming her, she just needed someone, something to pull her out of the water and keep her warm. Everything seemed so far away, hazy and cold, but there was one thing that hit it home that she **had to** get over this…and that thing was Addison Montgomery Shepherd.

Addison's red hair caught her eye as she pretended to go through notes, she may had lost Derek but she **was not** about to give up her self respect to that woman. She hated the way her crimson red hair flew down past her shoulder blades in near to perfect curls. She hated the way that even when she didn't make the effort her complexion was still as radiant as ever. And most of all…she hated the way how she had lost the one man she had put her heart on the line for to her. Meredith noticed as she had caught Addison's icy blue eyes, she quickly glanced down to her patient's charts and continued to pretend as if she wasn't even looking that way. She was the perfect pretender, so at least she thought.

"Hey Mer," A calm voice chirped from behind her.

She quickly clicked back into reality and turned to face Izzie who was stood opaque to Meredith. It took her a while to realise that she had to engage conversation. Izzie's blue eyes twinkled as she patiently waited for a response. She couldn't help but smile as Meredith let a small smirk escape from her lips as she had been waiting all day to hear how her friend's surgery had gone.

"Hey Iz," She said finally with a genuine smile on her face, one of the first of the day. "So how was your surgery with err…" She trailed off.

Meredith knew very well who Izzie had performed brain surgery with, but it still made her heart bleed a little more when she said his name.

"It went well…Dr Shep-"

"Please Izzie; just try not to say his name." Meredith asked while gently rolling her fingers over her warm forehead.

"Sorry," Izzie said sheepishly while glancing at her petite feet. "It went well…I still can't get over the reality that we were inside his brain!" She said ecstatically.

"That's great Iz…" Meredith smirked while trying to force the strongest smile she could out of her small frame.

Sensing the awkwardness of the attempt of the name 'Shepherd' Izzie quickly tried to cut off the conversation. "I'll see you in a bit Mr Winters in Twenty Oh One needs an IV started." She said hastily while grabbing his charts off the side of the nurse's station.

Meredith gently rolled her eyes and waved bye as her friend gained pace down the hall away from her. She rested her body against the nurse's station again. Letting out a heavy sigh she slowly closed her eyes and stared at the blank contents that lived beneath her eyelid. Here it was quiet; there was no pain, no worries, no cares, just peace.

"Dr Grey!" Bailey shouted from down the hall.

Meredith quickly opened her eyes and stared at the short stout woman marching like a soldier up the hall. Her chocolate brown eyes were fuelled open with the lust of getting the job done. She stood before Meredith, her eyebrows lowered and her voice provocative.

"And what do you think your doing stood here like a lemon for?" She asked with a hint of anger creeping into her tone.

"I…err-"

"You were day dreaming that's what!" Bailey shouted, "Its always one of my interns." She murmured while shaking her head.

Her eyes stared deep into the core of Meredith's; it sent shivers down the back of her spine. Doctors like Bailey were doctors that knew what they were doing. She was only harsh to her interns so they would actually learn something. A wise man once said that size never mattered and this quote was definitely true in Bailey's terms. Meredith's lips quivered as she thought round in her confused mind for something to say, the stare that was being visioned from Bailey's eyes was enough to make anyone nervous…especially when the person in question wasn't doing anything in particular.

"Dr Bailey I'm Sorry," Meredith said finally in a calm tone.

"I don't want your stupid suck up 'sorry's'…now go up to OR three, Dr Burke needs an intern on a valve replacement." Bailey said sternly.

"Yes Dr Bailey," Meredith said politely but in her head it was meant to be sarcasm.

"And don't you go day dreaming in there either, or I'll put you on scut for the rest of the week!" Bailey shouted as Meredith made her way up towards OR three.

She practically punched the button for the elevator; she gently rested her arm against the wall and stared at her shoes.

"I'm no surgeon…people like Christina are surgeons." She muttered.

It was only to herself, so she wasn't expecting to hear anyone's voice reply.

"People like Christina are control freaks," A voice said from beside her.

Meredith knew that voice. The way every word that was perfectly formed from its owner's lips made her wants to faint. The lay back tone and the cheeky accent made her remember…so much of the last few months. But in her heart she wanted to forget…forget about the voice and its owner. She'd tried all day to avoid him but it seriously wasn't possible in Seattle Grace hospital.

"You know that was just a personal note," She sighed while getting into the surprisingly empty elevator.

Meredith never asked for his opinion but she knew she'd get it; he was the sort of person that would openly reply to things like that. She watched as his heavy blue eyes watched as she leant against the walls of the corner of the elevator. He stared, he didn't usually. His eyebrows were arched and his lips were sculpted neatly into perfection. She wanted to hate him. She wanted oh so much to hate him. He was letting her drown, and she knew in her heart that the day his gentle fingers touched her skin was the day she was hooked.

"Derek-"

"Hold the elevator!" Someone called from outside of the metal box.

Meredith knew that voice, the way it moulded to form a delicate smooth New York accent.

"Oh Addy," Derek smiled.

"Oh God," Meredith sighed. Next time she'll take the stairs.

**Okay, what do you think? Review? Would be good. It's my first grey's anatomy fic so be kind thanks for reading!**


	2. Hello Again

**Thanks for all the reviews so far they mean so much . Heres chapter twoo.**

**Chapter Two: Hello again.**

The stomach acid deep in Meredith's stomach was finding a new way to make her feel sick, as she waited through the long ride up the elevator. She just wanted to blend in with the grey walls so then maybe neither of the Shepherd's would try to engage conversation with her. She watched closely as Addison quickly glanced back with her arrogant stare and then whispered something to Derek. He bit hard on his bottom lip, he was a guy that could sense emotions, sometimes it was a gift but on the occasion it was a nightmare.

"You know I am here, if you've got something to say then just spit it out!" Meredith cried.

She was so tired at being treated as the bad guy, because to be honest she wasn't. When Derek made that decision a while ago she could never understand why, he had been hurt, in more ways than were imaginable, but yet he could still sleep at night next to her. Meredith wanted to hate him so much but the burning sensation in the back of her gut told reminded that she cared **too** much.

"What makes you think it's about you…Derek has moved on. So should you." Addison groaned while staring at the frozen doors.

Meredith bit hard on her bottom lip as her fist shook, how could she just talk for him? How could he just let her talk for him? Why was Meredith even in this position?

"I can't believe you, I mean seriously?" Meredith said sickingly as the doors opened and she quickly fled the claustrophobic room.

Derek felt his heart drop deep in his chest, he hated the sinking feeling, it made every piece of guilt that he had in his body pick itself up again. He stared at the fading body walking off in the distance and felt the gentle tear burn the inside of his eyelid. He took a deep sharp breath and swallowed the guilt again while giving Addison a reassuring look as the elevator doors slammed shut.

Meredith tried to control her breathing as she approached the OR board, where non other than Cristina Yang was stood staring at the writing scribbled onto the shiny surface.

"How did I guess you'd be up here?" Meredith smirked as she glanced at her friend.

Christina gently rolled her eyes and turned to Meredith, "You know I'm not that predictable," She paused while glancing at Meredith's watery eyes, "But you on the other are…I'm just you bumped into Mcdreamy?"

"More like McJackass **and** Satan." Meredith sighed while trying to control the suttle tone of anger in her voice.

"Of all the people-"

"I know." Meredith said sternly.

"Geez calm down Mer I know things are hard but…it's been…what a month? You need to get over him. He's not **that** good looking. If you ask me he's an arrogant jackass." Cristina said openly while noticing Bailey and Burke slowly pacing their way up the corridor.

"Yeah but, he's my arrogant jackass." Meredith muttered as the two surgeons stopped adjacent to the two interns.

"No don't you mean was?" Before Meredith could even think to answer Bailey had her shot gun mouth out, she was on the warpath…again.

"What are you two doing standing round? Was scut not good enough for your expertise Yang? And Grey I thought I told you to get up to OR three?" Bailey said angrily, her tone was harsh but it was only wishful thinking.

"I'm sorry Doctor Bailey I was just talking to-"Meredith was cut off by Bailey's quick reflexes.

"No you were gossiping that's what…anything is anyone's business round here." She said quickly while staring with her chocolate brown eyes at the two speechless interns. "Well what are you just standing there for?" She said finally.

"Actually Yang can scrub in on my valve replacement…if that is clear with you Dr Bailey?" Burke said quickly before the two interns scuttled off to do their expected jobs.

Bailey gently rolled her eyes and stared at the sudden smile trying to creep its way onto her face.

"And what do you intend I do with Dr Grey then?" She said while rolling her soft hand over her forehead.

"Well the transfer surgeon, Dr Sloan, said something about needing an intern on his case." Burke said hopefully.

"Fine…but don't you two get any ideas that this is a new thing…cause it damn well isn't." Bailey groaned while marching down the corridor towards the elevator.

Meredith sighed and slowly watched as Burke and Cristina walked down the corridor towards the OR.

"Great, just…great," She groaned while slouching against the wall.

You see, now, she was in a situation of not knowing where to go or what to do. Yes she did know that she had a new case but everything else was running in fast forward and she was getting left behind. She barely noticed George walk past giving her a sweet smile, her face only showed a faint one back. She glanced down at her watched and she swore that she saw the hand flicker backwards rather than forwards.

"Oh my god…I really am dark and twisty," She sighed with a gentle roll of her eyes.

"Well you're pretty hot for dark and twisty," She heard a deep voice approach her.

"Excuse me?" She said with a little smirk engulfing her face.

"You heard me…but if you wanted to hear it again then maybe we could meet up, say at your place?" He said seductively.

Meredith bit hard on her bottom lip as the tall surgeon stood opposite her. His muscular arms were gently laid across his well-built chest, it was covered by a gloomy blue scrub, and he was familiar, just something about him seemed familiar. Maybe it was the way his groomed head of hair moulded well with the colour of his hypnotic blue eyes, or maybe even the way his facial hair was perfectly kept. She could tell at one glance, he was an arrogant, arrogant man.

"You really are a-"She paused for a second as her eyes scanned over his name tag.

"A sexy beast?" He smirked while studying the expression on his face.

"You're Dr Sloan?" Meredith said suddenly.

"Well you can call me Mark," He smiled while slowly lowered his eyebrows before letting them drop to their normal composure.

"No, this can't be happening again." Meredith murmured, "You're my boss, and I'm supposed to be working on a case with you." She said sternly.

He smiled for a second, maybe even a little laugh crept from his almost silent form.

"And this changes things how?" He said finally with a huge grin engulfing his face.

**Review? Would be very good. Thanks for reading.**


	3. Dream of demons while you sleep

**Chapter Three: Dream of demons while you sleep, make you stutter when you speak **

"And so I had this stupid Dr Sloan being all jerky and arrogant and that just made my day," Meredith sighed as Izzie took another slug of her beer.

"He just sounds like every other guy round here," Izzie said finally while glancing at Alex who was stood playing darts with some other interns.

"And that's the problem," Meredith murmured while throwing her tequila shot down her throat.

It was so routine, everyday after a long hard day of surgeries the interns would find comfort in 'Joe's bar.' It was times like these that Meredith would get drunk and then sleep with the inappropriate guy, and by the looks of things tonight was going to a routine exercise.

"Its not that…it's just you just have bad taste in men," Cristina chimed in, her expression was provocative and her speech was slurred.

"Seriously shut up Mrs I-found-the-right-guy, you've got it easy, I and Mer on the other hand haven't," Izzie said while yet again glancing in Alex's direction.

"It's not easy, you don't **know** easy. I'm not a people person, I'm not a relationship person…and this whole Burke and me thing, it's hard." Cristina slurred.

Meredith just sat there; a sweet smile crept away from her lips, she didn't often smile, not after the recent events anyway. Cristina stared at her, raising her left eyebrow she put her hand on Mer's shoulder.

"Don't you sit there so amused, you're the one being harassed here," Cristina said sloppily.

"I think we need to go," Izzie laughed.

"Its not even funny Iz, it's always those type of guys that go after me," Meredith sighed while pulling Cristina away from the bar stool.

Derek glanced at the clock that lay hooked onto the wall, he sighed tiredly as he waited for the gruelling twenty minutes that he had left to end. He picked up one of the patient files off the nurses station. His intricate blue eyes rolled over the notes, making it look like he was doing something. Everyday was a struggle for him; he hadn't forgotten that horrible feeling he had in the pit of his stomach the day he chose Addison. However much he wanted it to go away, he just couldn't seem to shake it off. Of course like most people he'd just soldiered on trying to mask the fact that in his heart there was a piece of doubt, and that painful piece never let him forget. It was like sticking a band aid on an arterial bleed, it was a problem that couldn't be fixed by something so simple. He felt someone's hand brush against his shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He said coldly while moving away from the figure.

"Well isn't that nice," Mark said sarcastically.

"Yeah and wasn't it nice that you slept with my wife," Derek spat, his expression was cold and his words were packed with venom and hate.

"It takes two; I see you've forgiven her so why can't you forgive me?" Mark said honestly.

He was right, and Derek knew that. Quickly he marched down the corridor towards the locker room.

"You can't run forever!" Mark called after him.

"You just watch me," Derek muttered while slamming the locker door room behind him.

"Mer aren't we kinda walking the wrong way to the car?" Izzie asked confused as the staggered their way across the hospital entrance.

"I don't know," Meredith laughed.

"And obviously the tequila is kicking in," Izzie muttered not expecting a response.

"Oh don't you be all up yourself because you're the responsible one here," Cristina smeared; she was still as cold as ever when she was drunk.

Izzie gently rolled her eyes and sat down on the bench, she drew her attention to the stars, and it was as if her head was up there anyway tonight. She carefully took in all the detail the sky had to offer, the way the stars each individually lit up their own section of the sky.

"Crap." Meredith cried while clicking Izzie out of the trance she ahd fallen prisoner to.

"What now?" Cristina said coldly while leaning against the lamppost to regain her balance.

"I left my freaking car keys in my locker," Meredith said while slumping on the bench next to Izzie.

"Great…I'll go get them, I need to get my coat anyway," Cristina sighed while grabbing Meredith's locker key off her.

They both watched as Cristina staggered her way up towards the hospital. She was a funny drunk; she had that cold sense of humour and disorientation that still made her Cristina. IN a way she may have just given herself the death penalty. Why? Well Bailey was on call tonight and if she bumped into her in that state all sparks will fly and tomorrow she'll have the delightful honour of being on scut duty next shift.

"If Bailey sees her she's screwed right?" Meredith smirked while leaning on Izzie's soft shoulder.

"Yeah," Izzie laughed as she pictured the look on Bailey's face if she were to her.

Derek slowly strolled out of the hospital, his briefcase in one hand while his other lay covered nice and warm deep in his pocket. His expression was tired and long, his eyes were heavy, maybe he was tired or it could have just been the little spat he had with Mark. Either way he just wanted to get back to the comfort of his trailer. Where Addison would be…and where the feeling lay waiting to reappear again, the more he thought about it the less of a pleasure it was. His pacing slowed down and his thoughts were deeper, and to worsen things off Mark strolled past him.

"Great," He murmured.

"Seriously? I didn't even say anything **that** time," Mark sighed while turning to face Derek.

"You didn't **need** to say anything, it's just the fact that your even here that pisses me off," He said honestly and even more bitter than before.

"I didn't ask to come here…there was a position and I took it. It's just coincidental that we're in the same city." Mark rolled his eyes.

Derek sighed and then continued to walk down the path, he didn't even notice Meredith and Izzie who were sat on the bench just a few feet away from him.

"Oh look its Mcsteamy," Meredith laughed, "Hey Mcsteamy over here!" She called oblivious to Derek who was walking towards her.

Mark strolled over to the two girls and smirked cockily at his nickname.

"So that's what you call me now, well its catchy," He smirked. "It's a step closer to you going out with me too," He said confidently.

Derek heard every word that escaped from Marks lips, he stopped beside him, and he noticed the intensity of Meredith's stare. Again the feeling in the pit of his stomach returned.

"Meredith you cannot be serious?" He said the tone of his voice was almost heartbroken.

"Derek…since when has it been up to you who I date?" Meredith snapped.

"I know but," He paused and grabbed hold of her hand and pulled her over the other side of the pavement. "Mark Sloan is bad news," He said seriously.

"Well you two have something in common then," Meredith said coldly.

"Mer…" He said softly while taking her in, "He's a bad man, and I don't want to see you get hurt." He said finally.

"I don't know have you can stand there and say that crap to me, seriously? If you don't want to see me get hurt then why the hell didn't you tell me you had a wife," Meredith spat, her expression read more hurt as she came to the end of her sentence.

"I'm sorry," He said honestly.

"Sorry doesn't take back the last three months," Meredith said finally while storming off down the walkway.

Derek sighed deeply and watched her walk away; twice today he'd watched her walk away. There was nothing he could do but watch. He knew how it felt to be her which mad it ten times worse.

_Thanks for reading and thank you for all the reviews so far, it really inspires me to write when people review. And there also fun to read so thanks. Sorry bout the delay but the next chapter will be up soon. Review? _


	4. Just Cause Your Breathing

**Sorry I haven't updated in aaaages its just I've had tonnes of coursework and little writing time. But here it is. Thanks for the reviews so far **

**Chapter Four: Just cause your breathing…**

His eyes flickered open again, it was about the sixth time that night, Addison had already left for work, and it made things easier. The feeling he had in the pit of his stomach wasn't going away, it was just getting stronger. He was an optimist, but he had ideas in his head of someone he could talk to…someone that was forever, he wanted it to be Meredith. He'd made a huge mistake and he didn't want Addison wearing his surname anymore. Selfish? Probably, but he wanted out, otherwise this horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach would fester away inside of him, and let the pessimist out of his cage. A pessimist is not what Derek shepherd wanted to be. He rolled over, wishing and hoping for her to be there…who was he kidding, she hated him, and it was always the back he saw of her. He glanced at the stars hoping that her eyes would be glancing too. Things had to change.

She swung her legs in time with the gentle movements of the swinging chair on her own porch, no longer her mothers…it was her house. She sighed as she felt another part of the tequila run away from her head, to day had ended in the way she had least wanted it to. Lashing out at Derek wasn't the key, it just made the pain burn stronger, she wanted to let her pain out in tears but it just wouldn't run. She could run a marathon with her tears even with her small frame. She stared at the dark black sky, the stars acted like lamps brightening slight parts of its beauty; she used to love waking up in the middle of the night in Derek's arms and staring at the stars. That was what she wanted, she hated to admit it but Meredith Grey was a true believer at heart. She was just missing the vital piece of the puzzle…Derek. Things had to change.

"What are you doing out here so late?" Izzie asked as she stood at the door frame munching on a slice of cake.

"Just…thinking," Meredith muttered while continuing to stare at the sky.

"That must be very deep thinking considering you've still got that alcohol rushing through your veins," Izzie sighed while sitting down next to her.

"Yeah," Meredith mouthed while resting her head on her friends shoulder.

Izzie could tense when things were wrong, she knew Meredith was the type to lock it away in the dark place in her head, but she also knew that it wasn't a good thing to do that.

"You know Marks kinda hot," Izzie said out of the blue.

Meredith arched he back and stared at her friend weirdly, had someone spiked her drink?

"Izzie…seriously?" She said while staring away from the stars and paying attention for a change.

"Well think about…whenever you're going through a bad time you get drunk and sleep with the inappropriate guy, and well he could be that guy. I would." She replied honestly.

"Izzie," She said sternly while facing her friend with the most serious look she could handle, "I am not going to sleep with Mark Sloan. End of." She sighed while getting up to her feet. "But…I am going to sleep." She smirked while re-entering her house.

Izzie sighed and melted into the seat, gazing at the stars just like Meredith had before, her eyes darted over the white spots. Why did Meredith have to be so choosy? In Izzie's opinion Meredith and Derek was a mistake, so what difference would it make if Mark came into the picture. But then, Izzie wasn't Meredith and so she didn't really have a decision…only an opinion that would never be accounted for. Things had to change.

"Mr Beckett," Derek sighed while checking through the notes of his patients.

The coffee hadn't kicked in, and the sleepless nights were taking there toll on him. The feeling was there, he was keeping a count in his head of how many days it had been there…sixty two and counting.

"Your surgery is booked for later this evening, if you have any queries our very fine Dr O'Malley will answer them for you," He said finally while throwing a reassuring smile to the patient.

George glanced at Derek as he left the room, he could read people like this, and he hated the fact that both Meredith and Derek were a mess. He hated the fact that nothing seemed to stay on dry land anymore. There were so many twisted secrets and feeling bubbling around Seattle Grace, and he held the key to a many. He smiled softly at Mr Beckett and slowly left the room, for a second maybe he stared at his shoes, and the second later he found himself in a head on collision with Meredith Grey.

"I'm sorry," He said seriously while helping her pick up all of the medical papers.

"Its fine…everything's fine." Meredith sighed while forcing a weak smile from her tiny frame.

George stared into her gloomy sea green eyes, like Derek's they were heavy and tired. As he watched her walk off again he mouthed 'sorry.' She was left with the thought that it was just for accidentally walking into her. But he was sorry that he couldn't help her through this. He couldn't help either of them. They were drowning and he couldn't dive in after them, yet only watch in pain.

**What'd you think? Sorry it has been a while and also sorry it was short, but I will update with a longer chap next time. Reviews would be good hint hint **


	5. It Isn't Me

_Why thank you for all the reviews and sorry for the long, long wait but I haven't had great internet access recently, and I am also working on four other fics for p!atd fan fiction so bare with me. Enjoy ___

**Chapter Five: It Isn't Me**

_**Whats the worst you can feel and you only need a friend?**_

_**But you say…it isn't me.**_

"Izzie," George called as he jumped onto the gurney next to her.

"Oh hi George," She smirked while taking another bite of her green looking sandwich.

"Okay…I don't want to sound like I'm overacting or anything…not that I normally overact…its just…the thing-"

"George breathe," Izzie laughed as she interrupted his random stuttering.

He smiled and inhaled deeply thinking through all the words that had become muddled up in his head.

"It's just…Meredith, I'm worried about her…I'm afraid that this whole Mcdreamy thing is too much. I don't know it's just hard…" He murmured while playing with the tie on his scrubs like he always would when he was nervous.

"We're all worried about her…if the freaking Satan hadn't of come, no, if she hadn't of got involved with Derek, then everything would be okay." Izzie sighed while leaning back against the wall.

"Nothings ever really okay though," He mumbled while fixing his eyes on the stone wash floor.

_**Whats the best time we've had?**_

_**It's the best I ever have**_

_**Still you say. It isn't me**_

There was an eerie silence up the corridor as he thought some more of what to do. Izzie wasn't helping. In his head she was the one person he could go to for advice but it was as if he was the only one who could see what was happening. She was his best friend and right now she wasn't doing what a best friend **should **do. His train of thought was corrupted by the screeching of Izzie's pager.

"Gotta go…see you later," She said while jumping up off the gurney and strolling up the corridor.

"Yeah…see you later," He sighed while slouching back against the cold hard wall.

He glanced and stared as the fading body walked up the hall. So tired was George, tired of people waking away, tired of not knowing…and tired of feeling so powerless.

_**You've got ideas in your head.**_

_**Of someone you can talk to, someone that's forever.**_

Meredith walked down the busy corridor, ignoring the flock of nurses and doctors running past into the surrounding rooms. It was as if, someone had pushed the replay button. Everything was so familiar, the smells of hospital disinfectant making the pit of her stomach roll. The feelings in the back of her mind of loss making her eyelids grow heavier. And she saw him…again. His heavy blue eyes met with hers, she felt a burning sensation come over her.

"Meredith," He called, but she just passed it as a blur.

She turned around and headed towards where she had originally come from. All the different sounds blanked out and all she could hear was his haunting footsteps following along her path. She slid into a supply cupboard and threw herself on the floor, holding her head in her hands. She heard the door gently open; she didn't look up as his body crept around the door. His path led him to sit next to her, his thighs touching hers he wrapped his arms around her as she let out the waited tears that had been building up over the last month.

_**And though you told me twice before**_

_**Not to count on nothing.**_

Derek inhaled deeply as he held her tighter, he wanted so badly to wipe the tears from her autumn eyes, he wanted to kiss her gentle lips for maybe just the last time, and he wanted so bad to repair all the pain **he **had caused.

"You're everywhere," She cried while pulling away from him.

Her stared into her swelled eyes and nodded gently.

"You and freaking perfect wife…I mean how the hell can I move on when you and her are everywhere being all happy, and as if nothing has happened. I can't deal with you. I can't deal with people pretending to care. I can't deal with my mother. I can't deal with all this crap right now." She said while continuing to let the tears roll down her porcelain cheeks.

He inhaled deeply and just stared at her, he wanted to let out the three words that were always on the top of his mind, the words he should have said back to her a month ago. She wasn't just a fling…she was his Meredith.

"Mer…" He said softly as he always would.

Her crying got heavier as the tears trickled more frequently down her cheeks, he passed her a paper bag and spoke slowly as she panted into the bag.

"Breathe in…then out…calm down," He said softly while staring nervously at her. "I know things are hard…but I'm hurting too, every tear that rolls from your gentle eyes burns my heart."

He sighed.

"We are going to get through this, and we're going to become friends." He said while forcing a smile out of his broken body.

_**My foot is in the door. **_

Gently breathed into the bag as her breaths got slower and her eyes switched off. She knelt on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her, gently murmuring in her ear words. He was too perfect to hate. He was too nice of a guy to shout at. Maybe he would make a good friend. But Meredith…she was the opposite of him, at least she thought. People like Derek had a steel plated back, he could take damage, and he would just let it bounce off. Meredith had no protection, she let everything batter and beat her leaving scars to stitch her together. In her words 'dark and twisty.'

_**Watch the time flying by I guess you'll stay over again.**_

_**But I won't kid myself.**_

_**It isn't me. **_

She sighed and lifted her head up so her face was staring at his again; he smiled softly and stroked her hair out of her eyes. The silky lavender conditioner a shiver of friction over his finger tips.

"I'm okay," She said while putting on a genuine smile.

"Your okay," He repeated reassuring himself.

He stared, and he got lost, got lost in those green eyes again. He could trace every broken memory, every lost thought and he got lost. Her heart was racing as she blinked and stood up, not another scar, not today.

_**In the morning when you leave you won't know I never slept.**_

_**Cause you were dreaming and no.**_

_**It isn't me. **_

"I have to go," She said while wiping the stray tear from her careful eyes, "You don't wanna be my friend…you just…don't," She said finally.

Before he could open his perfectly sculpted mouth she was gone, not even the door swung. She'd left a trace of her scent, the overwhelming lavender. It was the highlight of his day, the soothing lavender that would ooze up his airway. But hell, it was the only way he could have his Meredith.

_**I'm counting on. Counting on my foot is in the door.**_

_**Just tell me that you're sure.**_

_**That I mean nothing to you**_

He sat there on the side of the bar, poking round the slow melting ice cube that he'd been playing with for about the last half hour. He stroked his wiry hair and sighed, "Same again Joe,"

_**Don't you think that its time.**_

_**You admitted to yourself maybe…**_

_**I know you better than you care to know yourself.**_

"Coming right up," Joe said while pouring more rum into a glass.

As the drink was layed before his eyes he glanced to the side and noticed a familiar mousey haired girl playing about with her drink too. He smiled and picked up his drink.

"Is this seat taken?" He asked while putting on a small smile.

She looked up with her sea green eyes and then back at her drink.

"Knock yourself out," She said casually.

_**Don't you think that its time. **_

_**You admitted to yourself.**_

"You look sad," He said caringly but yet everything he said seemed to always have a roll of smoothness to it.

"It's just what being a member of the dirty mistresses club is like," She sighed while knocking back the rest of her tequila.

"You're telling me," He sighed while sipping his rum.

_**Whats the point for us to talk anymore**_

He glanced at her, well, it was more a stare he embraced all the features she wore. He and Derek had always had the same taste in women.

"You know I really do see what Derek does," He smirked with a sly glance.

"And what would that be?"

"Me and him," He paused and glanced down at his near empty drink, "I and Derek always had the same taste in women." He said finally with a sly smirk.

"Well he doesn't like me anymore…it's all Addison," Meredith said while bitterly slugging back another tequila shot.

"He's not the only one," Mark sighed while staring at that same ice cube again.

_**What's the point when there's always something wrong?**_

"You still love her?" She asked softly.

Yeah Meredith did hate Addison for many reasons but the fact that Mark had still managed to keep that fire burning inside of him really made her mind flutter.

"You're still in love with him!" He defended as his cheeks shed a pale crimson.

"Yeah but you see you and I are different," She slurred, "I know that luck never shines on the dirty mistresses club, but you don't believe that, am I right?" She said with a small smile.

"Well what if just one time it did? Then who'd be laughing?" He said slyly.

"Me…because it's never gonna happen," Meredith smirked while getting up off the bar stool.

"See you round then grey," He sighed while staring some more at his glass.

She barely heard him as she pushed the door open and made her way along the sidewalk. She glanced up at the sky as she walked across the front of the hospital. It was so surreal, the echoing of the sirens screamed in the background as the view was iconic of the city. She sighed, inhaling the clean air and walked just a few steps more.

"You know," She heard a familiar voice call, "I'd make a very good friend," They continued with more charm.

_**Maybe this time if you're crying,**_

"Oh really," She sighed while turning round to face a grinning Dr Shepherd.

"Yeah, really," He paused while walking closer towards her, "I would listen to you slur as you get drunk, I'd let you tell me anything that's wrong and give you genuine advise and…I'm better company than Mark." He said as his tone got bitter as he spat Mark's name.

_**Maybe this time if someone's lying.**_

She lowered her gentle expression and stared into his careful eyes.

"I get coffee at the place round the corner; we can have intelligent conversation and talk about our lives," He said while gleaming his smile again.

"Goodnight Derek," She smirked while staggering towards her car.

He eyes passed over her crooked path as she walked away into the night, he knew he was tempting fate and the awful feeling, and in his mind fate was in the form of Mark Sloan, and he couldn't have that happening now could he?

_**It Isn't Me.**_

_Song was the colour Fred – It isn't me if u want me to send it you I can give u my email and stuff. What did you guys think? Reviews and I shall be back soon with another instalment to this story _


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